Hello Cottage Friends,
I can't tell you how many times I've mentally written the introduction to this post. No matter how I begin it, the words just seem to fall short. How does one open up the editor app of her blog and write one of the most personally revealing blog posts she's ever attempted?
One week ago today I turned the key in my Subaru and drove from Texas to Colorado, never to return. (At least not to reside there.) Colorado is now my home, once more, and Dennis will remain in Texas. In a little over two weeks our marriage of ten years will legally come to and end, and the word I never, ever thought would be a part of my experience, the "d" word, the word that I hate, will be inscribed indelibly in my personal history.
I'm grateful that our parting is an amicable one. No yelling, no vengeful behavior, just a mutual conclusion after a long heart-to-heart talk that there is no way for us to continue as man and wife.
No chance of reconciliation.
No amount of counseling will turn things around.
I know because we've tried for years. I guess sometimes two people who care about each other find that the best way they can show they care is to let go. He has a right to be happy. I have a right to be happy. We just can't be happy together. And that's the sad and honest truth.
This news will come as a shock to many of my readers. I've always been supportive of my husband and his creative gift both online and off. His gift is from God, to be sure. I admire his talent and that won't change. It's been easy for me to put a good spin on my personal life when I blog because in reality I'm a private person, and I'm pretty good at putting on my "Nancy is fine" mask here on my blog, and everywhere else.
Stiff upper lip.
Nothing to look at here.
It's all good.
The fact is, though, you've caught me at a vulnerable moment and I don't feel like pretending just now. Forgive me if I've disappointed you with my honesty and my failed marriage. It's taken months of fighting depression, and many sleepless nights, for me to admit to myself and God that it's over. And that "it's over" is okay. The Lord and I have had many, many talks since the divorce papers were filed, and I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He loves me unconditionally and that this event in my life does not define me. No more than my widowhood 13 years ago defined me. My identity rests solidly in the fact that I am God's child -- His daughter -- and He moved heaven and earth to rescue me from the chains of sin and give me new life in Christ.
Christ lives in me.
The life you see me living is not “mine,”
I am not going to go back on that.
|Edna, my editor.|
My daughter-in-law is an elementary school teacher who is doing a great job keeping up with her students via phone and internet during the quarantine, as well as being a mom to six kiddos. I'm helping out by cleaning and doing other household chores. Thursday I gave the downstairs family room a spring cleaning. It feels good to know I can be of some assistance to my loved ones as we wait this thing out.
Today we went for a long walk. It's a perfect spring day -- cool and sunny. Later my son will cook hamburgers on the grill. He's an excellent cook, just like his father was.
|A neighborhood park where we sometimes walk.|
This is a good place to heal.
|Daffodils - a sure sign that brighter days are ahead.|
Starting over is never easy -- no matter what the cause -- and now with the pandemic it's especially challenging. However, I'm hopeful and looking forward to the future. I have no idea what the future will look like for me, but I know that God's got it and I'm trusting Him. I'm going to be blogging regularly. Writing is good for my soul, and I think that just maybe what I'm going through will be of help to some other woman (or maybe a man) who's dealing with their own disappointments. I'm encouraged by a comment from a reader on my last post. She called A Joyful Cottage "a calming blog in this rather uncertain time." Susan, thank you for that. I'd like to think that maybe going forward there will be other people who find encouragement here as I share my life. Then, whatever I'm going through will be worth it.
I promise you that in the days to follow I'll do my best to keep A Joyful Cottage a place of refuge, calm and strength. Because, really, isn't that what we all need? Every day?